Not feeling too good.

Today has been one of the worst days of my spiritual life. I can't think why, I've seen it coming a mile off. I knew what would happen, why wasn't I prepared? The point is that the C of E has not seen this.

To mess with the Apostolic Succession is to mess with one's doctrinal basis. That has happened and I cannot see any way how the C of E can claim to be even part of the One, Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church.

Many around me would tell me to get a grip. It's not an important issue. I'm being prejudiced against the ministry of women. People like me are just the reason why the Church is irrelevant today. Believe me, I know this because I've read the comments of what people think on the BBC website about this issue.
They tell me that I need to go out and do some proper Christian work like heal the sick, care for the orphan and the widow and work to freeing the oppressed.

If these accusations are true then I must pray for forgiveness, but I say this. What of those who are spiritually sick? Who are spiritually orphaned, widowed, oppressed and crushed? "Ah but that's the easy option," they say. No. It's by far the hardest. This world is spiritually sick and getting sicker with every passing second. God help me to play my part in the relief of this illness.

For me the Church is the body of people whom I ought to be able to trust. The Church is made from Militant, the Suffering and the Triumphant, and there are many saints and martyrs whose blood has been spilled in order to convey accurately the message of the Gospel, not just by their words, but by their deeds, by their actions, and simply by their being. St Lawrence roasted alive, St Sebastian shot with arrows, Thomas More and John Fisher, Cranmer, Latimer, Ridley all bringing something valuable to the Tradition and Magisterium of the Church. Blessed John Henry Newman had his character assassinated again and again for speaking and holding to the truth. And yet their work is now deemed irrelevant, old hat, not part of modern thinking. Their faith has been ridden over roughshod, and their martyrdom continues.

Then there are the noble Saints Ambrose, Augustine, Nicholas, Cyprian, and Athanasius who worked so hard at hearing the Truth and literally forcing it into the creeds.

In this vote, proper Anglicans have been betrayed, as has the faith of those plucky Anglicans who have lived for the Truth and burned for it. The Reformation should never, ever have happened, but the work of so many in the Anglican camp and in the Roman Catholic Counter-Reformation to seek that Truth in integrity shows the brilliance of the Christian Faith's struggle and success to heal that divide.

As for me, well, I'm now sitting here, confused, dazed, and feeling terribly betrayed like a sheep that's just watched the others go in the wrong direction. I love my parish (it drives me mad, but I still love it) and I don't want to leave. I enjoy being a Reader. I love the Church music (hate the liturgy with a passion!) and the Anglican culture, but to be honest, these aren't the reasons I go to Church. I go to Church to worship God in the way that He wants to be worshipped, not in a "let's please ourselves and God'll enjoy it with us", but in turning towards Him in an awestruck silence and watch as He gives us Himself as Sacrifice to offer to Him as Priest according to the ways that so many people throughout History have done together.

So what do I do? Do I have a choice? Surely it's to leave the C of E, but whither? Is the Roman Catholic Church in England any less the slave to zeitgeist. I hope that my ears deceive me when I'm told that not even the priests believe in what they are doing. There are no Continuum Churches near me, and I am too out of the loop, too busy, too exhausted to start up my own. Or do I remain and slowly become even more embittered, unable to worship with my friends, having the words of hymns choke in my throat?

If you would offer a few prayers in my direction, I'd be grateful.